The First Days – Juvey Wrangler Country Director

If you are ever in a situation where your potential boss tells you that he used to be in charge of a juvenile detention facility, run. No need for pleasantries. Run like you’re chasing pantyless Britney with a camera. 

 

Adult prison wardens hope to rehabilitate. Juvenile offenders expect to rehabilitate with all of tough-love, glass half-full half-empty, you get out of it what you put into it crap. If they don’t turn a gangland youngster into a model citizen, they’ve failed.  And, once a juvey wrangler, always a juvy wrangler.  You can take the man out of the detention center, but you can’t…you know the rest.

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, you don’t meet the country director until you are actually in the country.  Nelson looked like someone from the Brady Bunch reunion show with his 70s manfro and genuine bushy sideburns, but he had an agenda. Powerless in the US

, he was a man who would be king as a Peace Corps country director. Like a very small dictatorship, it was Nelson’s way or you would be sent home.

 

 

Now, the threat of being sent home to a non Peace Corps person is meaningless.  Having just arrived after selling your belongings, giving away your cat, assuming the weirdo Peace Corps persona, having goodbye sex with your ex, and deferring your student loans is another matter.  So, no one wants to go home yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nelson started his first state of his union in the nation of Nelsonland with the glass is half full or half empty speech, earning him the name of half-Nelson. Humorless but not odorless, Nelson built his empire in Slovakia with adoring Slovak natives who served as language teachers, medical help and office staff.

 

 

 

 

In addition to the natives, he recruited a couple of former Peace Corps volunteers who really went native and had been in country for more than 6 years.  Gregor fancied himself as the suave guitar-playing ex-pat hottie, but he had been out of the US

so long that only non-American women were interested.  Too weird, too full of himself and too scrawny to exist in any cool circles. He would simply be a target for all bullies, sand-kickers, softball pitchers and gym rats.  He literally could never go home again. Paul, on the other hand was adorable but had a Slovak girlfriend and that was the obvious impetus for remaining in the country.

 

 

 

 

 

Surrounded by yes women and men, Half Nelson had his own little despotic acreage with no beachfront real estate. If you’re going to be a despot, you’d think a cool beachy place like Belize or Fiji would be better.  No.  Choose land-locked Slovakia.  At least it is located in the heart of Europe and you can fly really cool places like Turkey and Mallorca on the cheap.

 

 

 

 

The first day in the country was not unlike a middle school spring play. Language teachers in local costumes acting out the history of the country. Communism makes me think of the Kremlin, not crinoline.  For a bunch of adults, 42 to be exact, from ages 21 to 72, it was all very disturbing. 

 

 

 

 

Then came the rules.  You are on duty all of the time.  Weekends are not your own.  Any travel on weekends counts toward your annual allotment of 20 vacation days. You will be assigned your host family and you will speak only Slovak. You will do exactly as Half-Nelson says.  Now, it is a government institution, so you do expect some of the nonsense.  But being told that you would be checked on and monitored, examined and rated was a bit much. And, it did evolve that I was called every Friday with some inane question from a lower-level staff member around 5pm.

 

 

 

 

Half-Nelson’s second in command was named Phil.  Naturally, to continue with the absurdity of the glass-half-full-half-empty analogy, we called him Phil the Glass.  It evolved to Philly-G, which sounded like a cool rapper name but it was all about that stupid analogy.

 

 

Phil was very gay in a country where very gay wasn’t acceptable in the mainstream and he never actually came out.  He had a mullet and porn mustache, but he was actually a nice guy who was under the juvenile-delinquent-wrangler’s thumb.  On many a drunk night, when posed the question if we would sleep with Nelson or Phil, I always chose Phil because I suspected he would always just want to cuddle and he would make me a stunning omelet with a latte come morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Throughout our time in the PC, it turned out that all of the country directors in Europe were nutso. We met other volunteers and their biggest beef was always how nuts their country director was.  We didn’t meet many volunteers from other continents, so the African volunteers may have been living large without all of the hassles.  I worked with a former country director from Benin

and the man was really off his rocker.  Had a serious case of the crazies.  Very dysfunctional in the workplace, prone to tantrums, power hungry and poor communication skills.  In other words, the perfect country director!

 

 

 

 

Games People Play – The First Few Nights in Our New Country (aka Straight? Gay? Narrow?)

 

 

 

“Gay.” “Straight.  Big question mark.” “Gay with asterisk.” “Not Gay.” “So Gay.” “Gay.” “Gay.” “Gay.” “Straight but weird.”

 

 

Catapulting back to the maturity level and awkwardness of 6^th grade, the girls gathered in Sandi and Priscilla’s room by invitation only.  It was their 3^rd night together as a group, but their first night in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />Slovakia

in a dorm room at a high school.   So far, they were all bitching about the beds, the food, and the heat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For people who could have easily been sent to the bush of Africa, it was actually downright posh to have hot showers and metal utensils.  But that was besides the point.  It was hot as hell and humid in the air condition-free country. 

 

The cafeteria specialized in all things grey.  Thank goodness for the shop and the pizza shop in town.  It was worth the embarrassment and bravery necessary to attempt purchasing food items or ordering dinner in a Slovak establishment.  It was not a friendly place for a bumbling American.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sandi was, of course, establishing her position as the queen bee with Priscilla as her lovely, compliant assistant.   No need to waste time or mince words.  She was used to being in charge, being first, and being right.  She had a foul mouth and was usually in a foul mood.  For someone who had no tolerance of inconvenience, no aptitude or interest in foreign language, and a keen dislike of non-Americans, her choice to join the Peace Corps was a mystery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Priscilla was pretty, quiet, and, at first glance, perfect.  Her long red hair hung perfectly down her slim back.  Her Ann Taylor clothes fit her perfectly.  Why anyone would wear white jeans to a Peace Corps training camp was questionable, but she gave the impression that daddy would be sending her packages of whatever she desired, or paying the credit card bills for her purchases.  She had a Texas

drawl and had perfected the combination hair toss/ giggle/ eye batting which Southern women were known for.  Her most recent job at a “think tank” in DC, whatever the hell that meant, was all she talked about besides her “years” of living abroad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did the math.  She lived in Ukraine (not THE Ukraine, but Ukraine, Priscilla corrected righteously because her family had emigrated from there and she knew all things Ukrainian) for four months, although Priscilla liked to stretch that out to 2 or more years depending on who she was trying to impress.  She “lived” in Greece

with friends for 3 weeks, which also was exponentially longer to impress the ex-patriate crowd. Quickly, I determined that Priscilla met the criteria for the majority of the Republican party – if their lips were moving, that meant they were lying.  As far as I was concerned, the criteria for determining if you lived abroad was that you received mail there.

 

 

Priscilla may have received plenty of male, but her embellished ex-pat past was transparent on a good day, and downright annoying on a hot Slovak summer day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another member of Team Texas was Della.  Dawn LeMae was her real name, but she would never admit it to anyone.  Although she was born and raised in Texas, she recently resided in Colorado

and worked in a titty bar as a hostess, not as a titty.  She didn’t have much in that department anyway, but she felt that making the distinction between working in a gentleman’s club and working it in a gentleman’s club was important.  Della mentioned that she had two Bachelor’s degrees, although the significance of this escaped everyone.

  Maybe the first one was broken and she kept the gift receipt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cassandra was the comic relief of the whole group, and had no shame about discussing all things bathroom.  She was constipated from the grey food and was becoming more and more distraught about it.  She started making charts about the frequency and consistency of her movements and posting them on the cafeteria door.  Corny, soft, absent, stuck. Brown, dark brown, butt pee.  No detail left out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sandi made a list of the 21 guys who were in their Peace Corps group to determine who was eligible, who was gay, and who had to be investigated.  So far, Jean, Wallie, and Bo were definitely gay, no asterisk.  Oliver and Steven were the only straight, cute guys.  There were lots of question marks, asterisks, and TBIs (to be investigated).  Since everyone agreed that Steven was hot and not gay, Sandi decided he would be her boyfriend during this little adventure. It wasn’t a matter of if, but rather, when he would become her man.  She thought it would probably be within a week; he seemed malleable.

 

 

Getting published – false start with a bait-and-switch publisher

I always said I would write a tell-all book about my Peace Corps experience, but I wouldn’t want it to be anything my mom wouldn’t be able to read.  Well, my mom doesn’t read blogs, so here goes!

And, for the past three years, I have had a children’s book under contract with a publisher in Maryland (http://www.writerslairbooks.com/)   Now I know what guys mean when they talk about psyco ex-girlfiriends.  Anyway, we just broke up. 

My publisher and I signed a contract in summer ’05 to publish two children’s books.  She actually found me through one of her high school friends and approached me to publish my books.  Much madness ensued.  Nothing went according to our legal Agreement, especially all of the promised promotions, attention to details (like having me work with the illustrator and see the fruits of his efforts, actually having a book at my first book signing at Book Expo America (BEA) in NY June 07).

Then, our existing contract (which was due to expire in August 08) was ’replaced’ by some crazy author’s playbook in the beginning of 2008.  The publisher didn’t know, but another author had sent it to me months before the publisher shared it with me.  Oddly, the playbook was dated the same time my book was due to release.  Now I know what she was doing with her time.

If you want to see it, I am happy to send you a copy if you promise to never sign anything that looks like this!  I’ll also send the original contract and the publisher’s goodbye letter.  Heck, I’ll send you a copy of the book if you want to see it!  That’s a whole ’nuther blog.  Happily, I am free of this mess and able to take my first book which is very special to me and my family, and I can pursue other opportunities. 

Just email me at mtalalay [at] gmail.com. 

Here is a copy of just one of the emails this publisher sent to me.  I included my letter first so you can see that I am no innocent.  Her reply follows, in the exact wording, spelling and grammar errors not edited.

____________________________________________________

My letter (post my first book signing at BEA with no book)

Shana:
 
I have alot of things to discuss with you and I would like to schedule a meeting after you meet with Melinda.  We have many of the same concerns and it is time to meet and face them all head on.  This note will be brief for that reason.
 
Fortunately, through my magazine contacts, I also have a deeper knowledge of the book development process for children’s picture books.  I might share some of those insights from major publishers with you.  As we go along in this process, I check with more than 10 different contacts and, quite frankly, most of them are alarmed at the way things are going with Writer’s Lair.  I am alarmed, too.
 
I am very concerned about my cover art.  First of all, Maya writes with her nose and erases with her tail, so I am not sure what all of those flying crayons are about.  And, the whole point of the story is that her pilot dad goes away, not that she flies off with him.  We wouldn’t really have the same story if that were the case.  Not sure why Maya is picking her nose, either.  I feel completely left out of the illustration process and, per my contract, I am supposed to be intimately involved.  It simply won’t work to tell me that you have done ‘extensive research’ because, unless I can see the fruits of your research, I honestly don’t trust that it has actually happened.  I finally have to say that to you.  After being accused of having a tantrum and not trusting you, I can say that things are not going the way we agreed and this must change. 
 
It was very disappointing that I barely saw you on Friday at my book signing without a book.  You waited in line for the Secret, but didn’t even see fit to stand with Melinda or me during our signings. 

Sending your college intern is simply not good enough.  And, to be honest, the first thing Cassie did was raise her voice to yell at Melinda and me for not calling her when we arrived.  Despite our efforts to get her to tell us where SPECIFICALLY to meet (she kept saying ‘meet me at Javits’), we had to figure out where to go on our own, and she wasn’t even there for Melinda’s signing. 

I will not tolerate being yelled at by your intern for any reason, let alone her poor planning.  After 15 years in the tradeshow business, I can assure you that no one ever says ‘meet me at Javits’ because it is a circus.  And, I can also say that I have no intention of doing more publicity unless there is a book to sign.  It was simply embarassing to sign homemade bags. 
 
Cassie even knew in advance that my illustrator is from New York and was coming to the show.  Did it occur to you to put author and illustrator together?
 
The other author and I expected reasonable expenses to be paid per our contract.  I must know in advance of a promotional event what the anticipated expenses will be.  My contract states that you will pay pre-arranged expenses.  This has to be detailed.
 
This could all be very different – collaborative, creative, and supportive.  Instead, I feel completely out of the loop on my own book.  I have tremendous contacts and resources which I want to apply to my own book’s success.  But, I won’t even ask my own magazine editor to schedule a half-page in her book for me until the book is in my own hands because I have lost faith and trust. 
 
Mary

______________________________________________________________

Her reply (not completely factual)

Good morning Mary,

Currently, I am out of town but felt the need to address your email.
Thank you for your thoughts and ideas about your cover.  I will take
them under advisement.

Firstly, the tone of your email is inappropriate and suggests disrespect.  I would never email you or
speak with you in such a manner and I would expect the same consideration. 

Had you made an inquiry you would have discovered that BEA was provided with the correct information.  Many times BEA will modify information according to the space in their program booklet.
Ours was not the only information BEA printed in error. Therefore, the
error was not on my part or on the part of my intern (by definition an
intern is an advanced student or graduate, therefore the modifier
“college” is redundant—when in doubt just use “Cassie”).  (Editor’s note – actually, there are many types of interns.  What I should have said was “lackey” or “bitch”)

I am not sure how candid your industry professional contacts were with you, but your
expectations are those of an author who has already sold a million
copies of a single title and has done that more than once.  (Editor’s note – actually, all of my industry contacts said it is unheard of for a new, unknown author to go to a book signing without a book. It’s the celebs and established authors who can pull that off for the sheer audience curiosity factor).

The best selling authors of my acquaintance have often mentioned to myself and
my art director the lack of say in cover design and the promotional
fees that come out of their own pocket.  (editor’s note – again, not the case according to my research)

If you have some doubts to
the market viability of these authors some of them are L.A. Banks,
Jack Ketchum, and Sherrilyn Kenyon. 

Regarding the illustration
process: there seems to be a further misunderstanding about our roles
in the publication process.  I am your publisher, not your vendor.
Illustration of your book is under my domain and the team I have
working for your book have advanced degrees and years of experience.
You seems to be taking my willingness to include your ideas and
thoughts as a obligation to do so. Quite frankly from your emails it
is quite clear that you do not understand illustration nor design or
the marketing that will make these things work.  So, no, there will be
no meeting between you and the illustrator. (editor’s note – previous emails stated I would meet the illustrator and work with him.  Our legal Agreement stated I would review and approve all illustrations and copy changes).

Have no doubt, the quality of this book is paramount.  There is a huge
investment on my part and I will put out nothing less than the best.

As to your paragraph discussing the validity of my company’s research
and credentials—it is rude, misinformed, and I will not dignify it.
While this is a business arrangement, we are not partners, please do
more extensive research about the publishing industry. 

During the
entire trip, I was busy meeting with executives in regards to authors,
potential partnerships, and more distribution outlets.  (Editor’s note:  Publisher was in the line to get a signed copy of The Secret – I saw her there during my signing).

My goal at BEA
was to ensure the best possible chances for all WLB releases and that
is what I spent the trip doing. It is not your right to question my
whereabouts.

Cassie was there with you to take care of all of your
needs.  If you are having a conflict with Cassie let me know, and I
MAY assign someone else to you.

If Cassie did indeed yell at you I will speak to her about that.
However, you were told to call Cassie when you arrived at the Javits
Center and this was not done.  (Editor’s note – I called her when I arrived.  She was MIA, phone to voicemail, and came late to other author’s signing which was two hours prior to mine).

Please make sure that you are
fulfilling all of our requirements. We do not come up with them
arbitrarily.  The corporate accountant will address your issues with
reimbursement.  Again, your comments display your lack of knowledge of
the publishing industry. 

Publication dates are often pushed back, and
books are often reprinted or delayed.

If you decide you will not show
up for signings I will hire a storyteller, a man in a dog suit, or
anyone else I deem necessary to promote your book.  (Editor’s note – contractually, she may not do this)

Most times, I do
not discuss promotional efforts until they are set in stone.  But,
just to give you an idea, Build-A-Bear is interested in doing a series
of Author Breakfasts and events with Maya’s Secret and, if this is a
success then they will consider creating a Maya doll. (editor’s note – this is utter bullshit)

With your extensive industry contacts I am nonplused at why you chose
a smaller publishing company.  (Editor’s note – I hadn’t ever queried anyone about my book.  I shared it with some friends and it landed on this publisher’s table.  Days later, I was offered a contract for two books).

But I can tell you that none of the
major publishing companies would accept this type of behavior from an
unproven author. 

Again, I want to impress upon you that your email
was condescending, ill informed, and arrogant; displayed a complete
lack of knowledge of the literary publishing industry.

I do not expect that we will need to go through this again. In addition, please discontinue “cc-ing” whomever you’ve been, unless they have some bearing on the matter. It is
unprofessional. (Editor’s note:  I cced my attorney on everything.  Go fuck yourself)

I think Maya’s Secret is going to be a fantastic book.  I have not
been happy with the delays however, there are now under control.  I
look forward to a fantastic relationship with you. (Editor’s note – again, bullshit)
Sincerely,

Shana Yarborough
CEO
The Writer’s Lair Books

Applying to the Peace Corps – If you want to go to a certain country, call a travel agent

I decided to apply to the Peace Corps in November ‘97, applied in December ‘97, interviewed in Jan ‘98 and left in May ‘98.

I think that’s faster than many people.  Some of the other volunteers had waited two years or more to be assigned and leave for their assignment.  Some had been rejected and reapplied.  I knew many people who couldn’t get in and joined AmeriCorps.  Some people couldn’t even apply because their debt was too high and you actually have to be in reasonably good financial standing (student loans will be on hold while you’re serving but other debt will not).

The initial application was quite lengthy.  You can walk through an application online at the peacecorps.gov website.

Once you jump through the first hoop, then it’s a race to complete all of the other application materials. 

More to come

Medical Questionnaire

 

Deciding to join the Peace Corps

It’s a big decision to chuck it all and move overseas, allowing our federal government to control your every move.  Huge.  Most people have a very romantic notion about the Peace Corps – you get shipped off to a tropical island to enhance the lives of the natives through basketball and Tupperware with many like-minded attractive Americans, all the while being lovingly and gently mentored by an efficient and insightful staff.

Wrong-o.

1) The best advice I received when applying was:  It is the US Government.  Expect red tape, idiots and general poor management.

2) Very few people go to beautiful tropical islands.  I went to a land-locked country in central Europe in the former Soviet Union.  Mind you, I grew to love the place and the people, but those old Soviet-style apartment buildings are the ugliest, most depressing things I have ever seen.

3) Your “class” or fellow volunteers will all have different agendas. 

For one, I was very surprised at the percentage of people in my class who were in the Peace Corps thanks to political wrangling.  Daughters of judges, former Senate staffers, daddy was a diplomat, etc…

Yes, I naively wanted to save the world, make a contribution and embrace another culture.  Classmates openly stated to me that they were there to get enough overseas time in to get a fat contract with USAID.  Many people joined the Peace corps after ending bad romances.  Many of my class were gay (mostly males) who were looking for a way to get away from being ostracized or not accepted in their own communities at home.  And, some people were lost souls who couldn’t get into grad school or just had no idea what to do with themselves.  So, it’s not what you think.  I do think it is a big sacrifice and it is often selfless, but not everyone is doing it for altruism.

I was shocked at the number of people in their late 20s and early 30s who were also on their parent’s payroll.  One volunteer I met was 31 and her mom gave her a credit card, paid her car payments, sent her special food weekly, and deposited substantial cash in her bank account regularly.  I traveled with this person once and she was the most immature person I had ever met – completely incapable of surviving on her own or even being responsible for herself.  It’s alot easier to exist on the Peace Corps’ monthly allowance ($200 but that may have changed) when you are getting cash injections and fat care packages regularly.  Perhaps I am just jealous but I think it was weird.

My class ranged in age from 21 to 72.  I was 32 and had several classmates who were around my age.  Seems to me that a little life and work experience go a long way to handling what the PC can throw at you.

4) I learned very quickly that the Peace Corps experience was more beneficial for me than the people I was sent to ‘help.’  In my particular assignment, I was working with very smart and worldly physicians, researchers and public health professionals.  I probably got in their way more than helped.  I did my best but there is this one “rule” I should have ignored in 20/20 hindsight.  The Peace Corps tells you that you have to collaborate and not “do” for the locals.  That, instead of giving them a fish, you teach them to fish.  Well, that meant that I accomplished little because getting collaboration on anything was impossible.  I tried to help with websites, translations, grant applications, government reports, editing, teaching language classes for Public Health professionals. Honestly, I should have just done it myself because that would have benefited my closest Slovak colleagues.  Instead, I tried to collaborate and get cooperation on every little thing and so nothing got done (or at least, not nearly as much as I would have wanted and expected).

So, they already know more about basketball, Tupperware, ebay, myspace, international news and everything you can dream up than you ever will.

I know that I had a positive impact on many of the high school students I taught.  I worked full time for the Ministry of Health but I taught junior and seniors conversational English a few days per week.  I think I helped them less with English and more with their personal teenage angst.

5) The Peace Corps is a bureaucracy.  The in-country Peace Corps management (Country Director, trainers, etc…) are a study in how not to run an organization, in my experience.  It was adversarial from the first minute and a huge display of power.  Which is kind of funny because these tools are generally socially inept, poor communicators, and poor motivators/managers.  More on this later.

The first meetings in the country with the staff were very disturbing.  It wasn’t about lofty goals and cooperation.  It was all about the country director making it very clear that if you fucked with him or made one false move, he would first make your life hell and then make sure you were on the first plane home.

You were told you were on duty 24/7 incuding weekends.  A quick trip to Prague for the weekend?  Nie.  Pop to Budapest for a day? Nyet.  You had a finite amount of vacation days and every minute away from the post/assignment counted against those days.  Weekends were never your own.  I was expected to use vacation if I visited my host family (whom I loved and still visit) just a couple of hours away.  Those lucky volunteers who lived close to a border had it a little easier because they could leave and return fairly undetected.

If you managed to piss off the staff (esp the Country Director), you were given a crappy assignment, ostracized in front of other volunteers (I swear, I witnessed the Country Director basically getting in a volunteer’s face (literally) and trying to get him to swing at him by provoking him and calling him names – so weird), or otherwise abused.  Best to lay low and conduct any funny business away from staff.

But, ironically, the two volunteers who were the laziest and most disinterested (not learning the language, political appointees, trying to get in time for USAID assignments) were also good looking.  They were paraded in front of congressmen who visited and treated differently.  One incident I remember distinctly was that the Country Director loved this one useless volunteer because she was pretty and a ‘yes’ person.  She did nothing when she got to her post (we were in the same town so I witnessed it), had amazing living arrangements (an apartment with two bedrooms and laundry facilities), and left country all of the time without reporting in.  To reward her “contributions” the country director arranged for her to house-sit for a diplomat who spent about 2 days every 3 months in his flat.  So, Priscilla lived in his flat for almost 2 years with every amenity possible, including cleaners, fully stocked kitchen, tv/dvd, full kitchen, home office…hard not to be envious, or at least curious why a volunteer who couldn’t count past 10 in Slovak was rewarded so richly.

All that being said, I am blogging for people who want to join because every volunteer has a very different experience.  This is my experience.  I had hard times, great times and I remember the experience very fondly.  I also feel like it was very important for me, even with all of its blemishes, to experience another culture first hand instead of from airports and hotels.  I am happy to answer questions.  This is my guideline – it is not a guarantee that you will get into the Peace Corps or have a similar experience.  But, this is all of the stuff that was NOT in the brochure.  I intend to keep it light and funny, but truthful!